Some Nights I Stay Up...
The past few nights I have been up with my head spinning. Okay, who am I kidding, the past month since I have been home from MD Anderson have been tough. I feel almost like I have been in a coma. Yes, the reason I have not blogged in forever.
Then 2 nights ago, I got up and had the worst bone pain. I described it to David as “you know when you ski all day, and you get home and your feet and legs feel frostbit? They hurt to the core, you take a hot bath and they still burn?” Ya, it is like that, and then factor in the non stop feeling of you are going to puke along with the sensation someone just kicked you in the stomache. Oh, and let’s not forget the comatose feeling of like “why am I just floating around with no ambition or drive?” If this is my “new” normal, I can’t handle it. I have never had less energy or motivation. It is a little overwhelming this “me, I call Denise”.
So it’s about 1am and it’s the night I stay up cashing in my bad luck, giving myself a pity party. Ridiculous but so much needed. Then it happens. I think of my girls. My girls from MJC all the way to Peru all the way to Kitale. I think of the little ones we met that had no time to cash in on their bad luck, they only knew of hope, love, prayer and belief that things would get better. I think of the day Hellen told me she found out one of the girls was HIV positive and she wasn’t sure how to break the news to her. I think of Anne’s mom who was sick when we visited and passed away a couple months later.
I think of them because here I am in an amazing house, at the best hospitals, a hot bath filled with “stress free” salts and a cabinet filled with any type of medicine I need to cure my littlest of aches and then I hop into my fluffy bed with nice crisp sheets, face my fan on me and call it a day.
I think of me and I think RIDICULOUS. Chin up, and remember if cancer had not entered my life I’d be working 80hrs seven days a week. I’d be telling my boys for the umph time “just a minute” as I answer my phone. RIDICULOUS. I love the new me and if it is cancer and bone pain that made it this way, then I need to fluff up my bed and be thankful I’ve got the everything around me pushing me forward and watching and cheering and praying for this cancer to get out of me. And it is working. It really is.
I think of my girls in Kitale. I think AMAZING. Their happiness is contagious. I want their happiness and cancer brought me to that road.
But I also think of their pain. I know their pain. I know it better than I ever could have. Imagine getting HIV, malaria or even the worst flu you have ever had. You are not crawling into that fluffy bed, you are crawling into a ball on a slab of cold ground in hopes you have a blanket. You are not running into your clean bathroom to get cooled off nor hope you don’t puke, you are huddled in that corner with a bag you found in the trash because you are afraid to go outside in the middle of the night to go to “the bathroom”. When you are a girl in the slums you have no idea what is going to happen to you when you leave that one little corner you have. You don;t run down to your fridge to get ice water, you have no fridge, let alone kitchen. Heck and medicine to cure whatever, it’s no where to be found. You just live with the pain until who knows….
I know, I sound deep but it is so true. It’s that place I went to the other night during my pity party that made me realize I’ve got stuff to do. We’ve got stuff to do. So heck, Denise, get up and stop fussing over every ache and pain. And I did. The next day and now 2 days in, I’m vowing to get to that better place. The girls need me. They need you.
And it was just over a year, (July 30, to be exact) that I called Charlotte and told her David and I would build the Orphanage. It hasn’t even been a year since Denise W, Kiara, Jami, Jenni and David decided to step in an figure how to get these girls sponsored so they could live in the Mighty Acorns Orphanage.
Look at this place. Almost complete and busting at the seems. Girls just started moving in late August. Most of them have their first EVER mattress, sheets, pillow and blanket. And on top of that, they have a bathroom and shower. They have a room mom who will nurture them and help them grow. ABOVE ALL THEY NOW HAVE YOUR BELIEF IN THEM. I cannot believe I missed seeing their faces when they got your letters, seeing their faces when they saw your family photos and sweet pics your kids colored. Oh, Kiara, you cannot get back to Kitale soon enough. I’m so bummed about all the evil war and terrorist stuff. Seriously, why do bad guys have to ruin it for us good guy who wants to help.
We won’t let them win, and Kiara will be back with her kids soon, and yours.
So with that said, I must say good night.
Written: October 9, 2012